I am lying in my bed on top of all my covers, the fan is keeping me calm, I miss when all of my lightbulbs blew out except for one so it always felt like night time in here.
I don’t know how to put these feelings into words. I am tired, exhausted, drained, burned out. People come and go and how can you really ever be sure of anything? I realized today in the fitting room of a stupid store that I am quite alone. I know it’s always been this way, but the realization still stung.
I stopped answering the phone a long time ago. I stopped trying to connect with people - I was always out of breath trying to string words along in sentences that weren’t mine and I never knew how to make them see how I saw. I don’t think that’s possible. There is a pain in my throat that won’t go away no matter how hard I swallow.
I became fed up with the idea of trying. I wake up every morning to do the things I hate, all over again, without question. I keep reminding myself “only two more months and you’re free”, but I will always be stuck inside my own head.
I want a good night’s sleep. I want a meal with my family that doesn’t end in me wishing I never came. I want to stop driving so recklessly. I want to stop thinking I am invincible. I want a boy’s head between my legs. I want more hours in the day. I want to smoke every cigarette I can get my hands on. I want to be constantly drunk. I want to stop feeling stupid because I don’t get it. I want to stop feeling second best to everyone. I want to stay home for a week straight and never come up from underneath my covers. I want to get in my car and leave this house and not come back for a week and breathe.
I want to wake up one morning and not be tired anymore.